Pulling through the lockdown with my not so functional family

The lockdown has been that period of crisis that exposed deep-seated wounds our family has been hiding in its crevices, behind happy faces.

If there is anything worse than being a part of a dysfunctional family, it is being locked up with them for an indefinite period of time. Needless to say, the lockdown has been quite instrumental in straining the already strained relationships. While people have been reconnecting with their families, playing board games and cooking together, we have been surviving somehow.

To say that it has been an emotional roller coaster ride would be far from accurate. It has been more of a long, uncomfortable sea journey with me zoning out for the most part to make it through.With all of us on edge, there has been an unsettling amount of screaming and abusing, a colossal lack of communication and a daily dose of drama that would put TV serials to shame.

Now that I have been away from my university for months, I am realizing how it has been my emotional support system in the past one year, and my school before it. Unhealthy it may be, but I have always been unconsciously immersing myself in my studies to take my mind off the conflicts at home. There’s only so much you can do about the things you cannot change.

Brushing things under the carpet has been our family’s collective coping mechanism. We quarrel, we fight, we go to sleep hurt. The next day we pretend nothing happened and go on existing. It doesn’t solve any problems but does help us survive in this small ecosystem of ours. 

But living in such close proximity to each other, it has been rather difficult to keep avoiding confrontations the way we used to. With us irked at the slightest and old grudges resurfacing, the spaces between us have become more conspicuous than ever. 

Whatever love and attachment we had has long since gone up in flames. Yet I have, for years, swept up the broken remains and tried to patch them up into some semblence of togetherness, as best as I could with my jittery fingers. But they kept coming undone over and over again, and at some point, I knew better than to try.

It’s one of the things you learn surviving in a barely functional family - that sometimes relationships are best left on their own, that trying to make broken relationships work, only breaks them further. With the insecurities and crippling anxiety, comes an odd clairvoyance that ends up helping navigate other relationships in lieu of the failed ones.

I would be lying if I say I have never felt jealous seeing my friends post on social media about how they are having fun with their family in a way I never would. It will be a while before I make peace with it. But we too have small moments of happiness when all the troubles cease to exist and all the trauma somehow seems bearable, even worthwhile.

Families are inherently complicated and over that, the lockdown has been reshaping the way they have functioned. While we struggle with the years of repressed conflicts that have been reopened, some families have been using this period to mend their relationships.

However, not all families stand on solid foundations of love and togetherness. Some just exist and no period of staying together is going to fix them. We may not be too functional, but we sail on.